Sex Doulas and You

Every human deserves sexual supportiveness in their lives, but some need it more than others.

Well, I just spent 25 minutes writing up detailed sex advice for people I'll never have sex with, and I haven't done that in a while. Brings back some good memories though.

I haven’t spoken here of my idea of a sex doula. I don’t think I’ve ever even written it down a single time, though it originally emerged through conversation and a number of people have heard me talk about it, always in 2s and 3s. The idea coalesced about 20 years ago now, talking with people who have serious disabilities. Most weren't interested in threesomes, but every once in a while someone would say that while they aren't looking for another partner, because of disability X, sex activity Y is more difficult and if someone else was there to hold this or push that or apply the lube to an unreachable spot or whatever, then sex with their actual partner would benefit in wonderful ways.

There was no moment of epiphany where the liquid, uncatchable concept crystallized into shape. Instead this concept of a sex doula, slowly emerged as someone who is there while 2 other people are having sex. The sex doula performs physical, sometimes even sexy things, but they aren't there to "have sex" per se. And really, really importantly a sex doula is only there for ONE (1) other person. If both partners have complicated needs around disabilities or around **whatever**, you could have 2 doulas present, but each doula is always focussed on one person.

Even though the idea was created through disability feminism, that doesn't mean that temporarily able-bodied people ("TABs") can't benefit from or use a sex doula. Having someone hold your hips while you sink down on a shaft -- biological or silicone, attached to another person or suctioned to something or whatever -- is actually one of the most amazingly supportive and friendly experiences a person can have. If part of your difficulty with sex is emotional, this gesture or similar ones can transform an encounter from an anxious attempt to send pleasure outward (too often out of a sense of duty) into one which feels more controlled, less frightening, and allows a person to focus more on their own internal experience as someone else takes on the role of worrying about external concerns.

And while in some jurisdictions there might be limitations on what things a doula could do if you're paying for their services, if you're not paying (and in many jurisdictions even when you are paying) there don't have to be strict non-sexual limits on what the doula does, assuming that they are willing. There might be legit reasons why a person needs physical support or blanket management to keep them from getting cold or what have you, all of which suggest that maybe a session with a doula now and again is a good thing. But once you're there and you've already decided to involve a doula, then you can choose to ask the person willing to be your doula if they're also willing to do things that aren't exactly required, but would benefit you emotionally or physically. Curling up around your back and sharing body warmth might be better than a blanket, for any number of reasons, all of them valid. But it could also seem to take away from the focus of an exchange between you and your partner, and if that’s your focus, then just the blanket might be better. The point isn’t to determine in advance what’s acceptable for all doulas in all situations. the point is that each person, including the doula, gets to set their own limits, but once they’re set in an ideal situation the person looking for help from a doula would be encouraged to say anything and everything that might help make the physical or emotional experience of sex better. Maybe not all of these ideas are possible, but you won’t know if you don’t ask.

Of course it's ALSO possible to have a straight up threesome, but with someone who is really willing to put a lot of emphasis on helpfulness and not just fucking. We're making up these rules as we go along and lots of people who like threesomes also have good hearts and would be willing to prioritize someone else's disability or health or comfort for a couple hours. There's not a need to have hard boundaries here, but creating boundaries around the concept (even if not around what you ultimately do during sex) helps people think about this. Our culture thinks about threesomes a lot, but we don't often think about facilitating the sexual pleasure of a pair of others just out of the goodness of our hearts.

This is, of course, a bit like sex therapy, but also quite a bit not. In any case, there is, as yet, no "sex doula" industry, so I hope everyone who reads this takes some time to think about how our culture limits our imaginations, and then, if it's useful or could be useful to you, imagine both how a doula could help your efforts to have sex, and how you could be helpful if you were taking the doula role.

Humans can be awesomely awesome, so I hope that people take this idea and run with it in ways (and on continents) that I cannot.